February 20, 2020
This is me.
It’s been a while since I posted a current body shot. Not because I hate my current body, or because I’m not as strong as I was before... it’s because I got tired of pleasing everyone. My image used to be for me but it started to become about what everyone else felt I should look like. Being hacked was the worst and the best thing that’s ever happened to me. It was gut wrenching to lose everything I built, but it was a bit of a blessing to take a forced break from so many opinions about how I should look. A break from so much pressure.
When I was hacked I shut myself out from the world:
1. Because I truly didn’t feel safe, I felt like if I did I would just become a target again
2. I was dealing with debilitating depression from losing 8 years worth of work, and majority of my income.
3. I didn’t feel comfortable portraying myself to be a inspiring motivator when I wasn’t motivated myself. I couldn’t fake that.
4. I needed to find purpose in my life again and learn to love myself all over again because I lost all confidence physically and emotionally.
5. I needed time to figure out what I wanted to do career wise. Do I start all over and rebuild? Or do I wipe my hands with it and do something new?
The thought of posting a selfie gave me so much anxiety. There were many times where I took a photo and went to post it, then put my phone down and never did. These last 2 months I’ve been so productive, been focusing on myself, socializing more, working harder, and now feeling more confident to put myself out there a little again, even though it’s scary!
Before I could hardly even get out of bed and I became pretty good at hiding my depression because I really didn’t think anyone would be able to understand it. I’m not 100% yet but I’ve made some serious progress and today feel comfortable to post. Maybe I won’t tomorrow, or the next day, or maybe I will, I simply don’t know, but I’ve seen a lot of progress lately and feel good today. I’m focusing on 1 day at a time! And I’m not going to worry about other people’s expectations of me this time. I’m the boss of me! 💪🏼